My wife has suffered from depression and severe anxiety for several years. The past few years have been difficult for her at best, and I am always afraid that I am somehow making her issues worse. She has been in counseling for several years to help her sort out her issues.
About 2 years ago I suffered from horrible insomnia and anxious depression. Although I would have some anxiety overloads, I never had the debhilitating anxiety attacks my my suffers from. I was in counseling, but I never built a close rapport with my psychologist. I never felt comfortable getting into the very personal issues which I needed to talk about ... he did give me insight on other less pressing issues.
Talking to my wife about my issues is not an easy task.
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Date - Beginning in 1965 (although I do not have memories of my infancy)
I am the youngest of eight children. My closest sibling is four years older than I am. Our father was a World War II bombardier and raised us with the macho, military, you do as I say attitude.
When I refer to my early childhood I do not necissarily remember which event happened on exactly what date ... but I do remember them. And although I am focussing on the events that made me realize I was different ... that I was not who I was supposed to be, I do not want to infer that I was not loved or that I do not have happy memories.
I think the fact that I am different was very apparent to everyone. They may not have realized how I was different, but they sensed it, saw it, knew it, and this was the basis for much of the torment and teasing I dealt with growing up. In fact several people in my life (my father, my siblings, some of my teachers and so on) specifically said I was acting like a girl in different circumstances ... they were so right and didn't even know it.
I've always felt out of place. It didn't matter what group I wanted to hang with or what activity I was involved in I felt like I didn't belong ... and usually I wound up alone. When my classmates made fun of me because I ran like a girl I played by myself and practiced running until I was one of the fastest in class. Same was true when I was told I kicked, threw a ball, swung a bat or bowled like a girl, I practiced until I could keep up ... I practiced being a boy. I dev eloped a sharp, sarcastic snese of humor as a defense to keep the bullies at bay, but in the end I preferred being alone so I didn't need to use it much.
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So my wife and I were at my work again on another weekend. I won't quote the conversation verbatim, a summary of the topics will do.
I've been wearing women's underwear for a few years and womens pants and tops for at least 2 years. I am not attempting to look like woman, but I am more comfortable in their clothes. I asked my wife if my clothes choices, my ear piercings or other issues bother her.
The answer - No, not at all.
I asked her what the bounderies were ... what line does she not want me to cross.
Her answer - As long as I don't get too girly. I'm supposed to be her husband not her girlfriend.
**Sigh - Sob**
Although we talked more later I did not pursue the issue any further.
We went and got manicures and pedicures. I had them put clear polish on my fingers and toes instead of leaving them bare ... then on a bit of a dare I had flowers painted on my big toes. I like it :-)
At some point I will find the right words to explain to my wife what my feelings are.