Sunday, May 13, 2012

The Conversation - Part 1

My wife has suffered from depression and severe anxiety for several years.  The past few years have been difficult for her at best, and I am always afraid that I am somehow making her issues worse.  She has been in counseling for several years to help her sort out her issues.

About 2 years ago I suffered from horrible insomnia and anxious depression.  Although I would have some anxiety overloads, I never had the debhilitating anxiety attacks my my suffers from.  I was in counseling, but I never built a close rapport with my psychologist.  I never felt comfortable getting into the very personal issues which I needed to talk about ... he did give me insight on other less pressing issues.

Talking to my wife about my issues is not an easy task.

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Date - Beginning in 1965 (although I do not have memories of my infancy)

I am the youngest of eight children.  My closest sibling is four years older than I am.  Our father was a World War II bombardier and raised us with the macho, military, you do as I say attitude.

When I refer to my early childhood I do not necissarily remember which event happened on exactly what date ... but I do remember them.  And although I am focussing on the events that made me realize I was different ... that I was not who I was supposed to be, I do not want to infer that I was not loved or that I do not have happy memories.

I think the fact that I am different was very apparent to everyone.  They may not have realized how I was different, but they sensed it, saw it, knew it, and this was the basis for much of the torment and teasing I dealt with growing up.  In fact several people in my life (my father, my siblings, some of my teachers and so on) specifically said I was acting like a girl in different circumstances ... they were so right and didn't even know it.

I've always felt out of place.  It didn't matter what group I wanted to hang with or what activity I was involved in I felt like I didn't belong ... and usually I wound up alone.  When my classmates made fun of me because I ran like a girl I played by myself and practiced running until I was one of the fastest in class.  Same was true when I was told I kicked, threw a ball, swung a bat or bowled like a girl, I practiced until I could keep up ... I practiced being a boy.  I dev eloped a sharp, sarcastic snese of humor as a defense to keep the bullies at bay, but in the end I preferred being alone so I didn't need to use it much.

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So my wife and I were at my work again on another weekend.  I won't quote the conversation verbatim, a summary of the topics will do.

I've been wearing women's underwear for a few years and womens pants and tops for at least 2 years.  I am not attempting to look like woman, but I am more comfortable in their clothes.  I asked my wife if my clothes choices, my ear piercings or other issues bother her.

The answer - No, not at all.

I asked her what the bounderies were ... what line does she not want me to cross.

Her answer - As long as I don't get too girly.  I'm supposed to be her husband not her girlfriend.

**Sigh - Sob**

Although we talked more later I did not pursue the issue any further.

We went and got manicures and pedicures.  I had them put clear polish on my fingers and toes instead of leaving them bare ... then on a bit of a dare I had flowers painted on my big toes.  I like it :-)

At some point I will find the right words to explain to my wife what my feelings are.